Am I more interested in my phone ... than in my sense of self? Part 2

So ... what are the doors, the pathways to leave the level, where the problems were created?
It certainly needs a step into the unknown.
That‘s even logical - and our minds can understand this.
But how … how do we do that?

When we look closely, every moment already is a step into the unknown. But we ourselves seem to keep us in a place, where we deny this fact of inevitable change, the nature of change. Or where we just can’t perceive it. Don’t deeply know it.

Then - we are not in tune with what’s here and ever changing. Often we probably also don’t tune into the nature of change, to keep us in a sense of safety (and I’m wondering: what are we actually trying to keep safe then?). Or we don’t align ourselves with the nature of change, to still be able to function ... (and I’m wondering: where, in what system are we then wanting to function in?) ... and again - as I tend to mention in every article: there is an importance of taking care of our nervous systems, there is such an importance of tending to the trauma we all carry in various ways - which can also lead to not being able to be with change. To acknowledge and work with them, to take care of the one who might struggle to ever feel safe.

And … there are times, where we have to take this step into the unknown - I think - (or where we are thrown into it!) - and maybe with a trembling heart and maybe with incredible fear … but guided by a force from within, by the freedom, love and nature, that we are - that makes us grow into a more mature version of ourselves. Potentially. Maybe one that can be a wiser care taker of our Earth community …

So … what are these doors to gain a greater or different perspective? Well, there are many.

And there seems to be a very reliable and kind of simple one: to go out in nature and be there.
Listening.
Direct experience.
No intermediaries.
Without a screen, phone, food, book or journal. Just yourself. Out there. In there.

Also I experienced over and over again with practicing the Alexander Technique - especially during the intensity of the 3 years of training and also with some particular teachers - this famous shift of perspective - the step into the unknown. Where suddenly some ways of feeling or thinking weren‘t even available to me anymore (especially at some point the negative self talk), when my body and more of me, was here, aligned, alive and free. Even within contractions. I was only in my mid 20s when I did the training and back then, part of me just didn‘t get what was happening and it was difficult to deal with those changes. I wasn’t prepared and not familiar with any concept or experience with rites of passage or those things. I was just thrown into something like that. But nevertheless … I did experience this taste of … the unknown and the huge potential … (I just missed an Elder to accompany through this)

This, what I experienced back, were changes, within the world, as I knew it. And that was, what I was ready for. First and important steps into unknown areas, and experienced as big shake ups. And still ... within a for me very familiar and safe concept of being a normal, functioning member of an already sick society (to paraphrase Krishnamurti) .

And in my own journey there was still a lot to come. Breakups, marriage, divorce, lots of wild selfexperience things, heart ache, deep love, bringing things to life as in musical projects, the Center for the Alexander Technique in Berlin, Brodowin Retreats and co-creating the Mindful Music Making Retreats … and evetuallly letting go of all of that again, people dying, the planet suffering, an unimaginable love story with an incredibly heart breaking end somewhere … a long way from home … you know your version of those things. All big shake ups. And potential doors into the unknown, more realness and deeper ways of belonging.

I‘m imagining you with your versions of those moments of lifting of veils, heart openings of big kinds, heart breaks with deep pain, losses, deaths, the pain of seeing rain forests burn, water systems polluting ... 30 million children dying of hunger every year ... 16% of the Austrian children being suicidal (I just read) because of the lockdown restrictions, what ever it is, that deeply touches your heart ... all those „extreme“ situations are potential door openers for a big pause ...

::: a big pause

… and a big rubbing of the eyes ... a big swirl or hurricane ... and with that … a potential expanding into a bigger consciousness for the interconnectedness of all things and beings, for what truly matters ... I mean: what truly matters. No bending of our own truth, while knowing that we’re doing harm. Maybe a potential for a sense where inner and outer freedom lies and where it doesn‘t.

A sense for where to plugg ourselves in to … and where to disconnect from …

What to support.

And what kind of harm bringing behaviour to abandon.


:::

Along those big experiences which we seem to be thrown into … there are also possibilities to consciously „go there“ ... to provoke the deeper seeing, the deeper listening ... to consciously cross thresholds and go for example on a Vision Quest or whatever retreat or threshold crossing calls you ...

... or ... maybe it‘s already a radical act for you to not take your phone to bed …. and you‘ll encounter yourself and the world in a new way. For me personally it was a radical act and it did let me encounter myself and the world in a new way.

:::

And then what?

This is a critical moment.

Then what?

A shift.

Sometimes - it‘s clear - the change of perspective is irreversible. And we are actually capable of living this new perspective. „Living the Vision“ as one way of putting it. Depending on how deep the change was, there is no way of going back to the old distorted ways, which might have damaged yourself or others - or which weren’t aligned with your deepest truth.

But often ... often … the shift is one step along the way and the world as it is, will test you (and I don‘t mean the world or some force consciously saying „let‘s see how serious Susanne is about this really“). No … maybe it‘s better to say, the structures that are in place will test us. The structures inside ourselves. And as represented by others and the “system”. Some kind of thinking and doubting will test us as well. Interferences in our head.

And who is this „us“ then? - we could also ask. The real “me” maybe?

Well ... I guess everyone needs to find out for themselves, who they know they are. And probably the real “me” is not my phone or my conditionings, my patterns. Yes, in a way this is also here. And a lot of those patterns seem to rule world.

So ... now I‘m running out of words ... loosing my thread here ... maybe it‘s time to stop.

:::

What is it for you - that you feel and know it’s time to detach yourself from? De-glue yourself from? Are you actually curious about yourself? And what you are actually and naturally connected with? Maybe more curious about yourself than what your phone has to offer you? Even if you look into so called spiritual things on your phone?

What if ... you ... the world ... your heart ... your love ... the Earth ... the place where you are ... the people you are with ... the air that you breathe … the nonlinear beauty of the natural world ... this place of Earth you live on ... and in deep interconnection with …

… what if that was actually more inspiring and more important to you, than your phone and what happens in there?

Is it?

Could it be?

Is there a longing to take this courageous step ... back home? The big home ... Earth?

:::

Somehow this whole weaving of words that just happened is related to Vision Questing - I’m noticing. No surprise. As one door to step out of something and land back in something else, that you’ve actually never left.

Much love & respect

Susanne

Am I more interested in my phone ... than in my sense of self? Part 1

Dear one.

In this long article I’m pondering about:

How we actually cannot truly experience new things from our familiar internal places and I’ll speak about doorways that are available to us, through which we can potentially find ourselves in new, yet unknown places … and I’ll ponder about how our phones might often be more interesting to us … than our ourselves, our connectedness and our aliveness …

:::

What happens … for example … when we step out of our familiar life … out of that environment, which is somehow known to us, and … into 4 days and nights of being in the forest, fasting from many things familiar to us - especially from distractions? Maybe to then get in touch with the most thing familiar - with ourselves, with our big ancient home and that, which we’re made of. Maybe.

And … getting in touch with … who we are (and everyone needs to find out for themselves what that means) - and also of course being confronted with all the freak-outs of those parts in us, which just can’t deal with just being where we are and who we are. As you might guess: … I’m refering here to a formal so called Vision Quest. But let’s step back a little and look at the territory around such an endeavour.

When I look at my story, again and again I find moments of „accidently“ experiencing and also intentionally going into spaces where - I’m finding myself in the unknown. In some place beside or beyond the familiar. I assume, that you’ve had these kinds of experiences - accidently or intentionally in your life too. If you like, take a moment, to remember … what was that? What happened? Those experiences can be very confusing and all sorts of things - but they’re always expanding the horizon in some way ... when we’ve made it to the “other side”.

For me: a very strong unintended experience was this: when I was for the first time in my life in a quite undomesticated natural area - I could see from there (from the outside of my purposeful, free and creative city life) in what kind of beautifully crafted cage I‘ve been living in. Seeing and feeling from a place outside from what I thought my life was all about … Through this enounter with a raw, pulsing, flowing extremely powerful form of life … water, trees, ancient rocks - I was actually shocked by how much my self image seemed to be distorted … or just … incomplete. I was definitely less free and spacious than I thought I was.

Nature became a ruthless mirror for me on this journey. And fortunately I knew from the years of Alexander work, that this is a phenomenon, which can be quite shocking: to think that something is a certain way in the body - only to see that it’s actually not true, in the face of a mirror. But on this level, I was again in awe and - shocked as I said, how convincing certain things can be, whilst we are swimming within the familiarity of them.

And then - another example - … only when I was for weeks without my phone and in nature, I experienced the strange limitations of this “advanced” technological thing, when I held it in my hands again. After training my awareness outside the walls, to perceive the more subtle realms, sensing frequencies of this bushland … my phone felt so dense and somehow “oldschool”. As I’m writing about it, I also find remarkable that being without a phone for a while is something special these days.

And then … only from my 6 weeks alone in a forest hut last year in the dark german winter time (also without screens and electricity), I learnt profoundly about my hidden fears and also experienced a letting go of my striving to “letting go and find myself”. Only to then again find myself in a formerly unknown place … where I was actually met by this unknown something I had been longing for. And of course, also here - all these exeriences during this quest were different to anything that I could have imagined from my familiar place.

And yes, my experiences with formal Vision Questing but also all the unintentional uprooting events in form of loss and pain along the way, the ecstasy of encountering a deep love and then an incredible heart break, threw me into unknown internal and external terrain as well. As these things do. I guess, know your versions of those events … And my journey was to allow those experiences to have their way with me … as fully as possible … to really be present with myself, experiencing all this … as many moments as possible and allow them to show me new places and ways of being and of belonging. Belonging to something bigger. Something more ancient and very internal yet deeply connected with the Earth.

But before that big journey of questing (and also now, when I’m not super wakeful) I usually swam. I swam in things and ways of living which I didn‘t even know how to question them. Or that there was something to question in the first place. (And I’m talking about questioning my personal life and journey for now, which of course is interconnected with the world. - That a lot of things happening in the world are to be questioned is probably obvious). Most of the things I was pursuing seemed good and right. I had created a life with beautiful, meaningful work and close and inspiring friends. and So what was there to question regarding my life? ... what to look for? Even though I was always looking for something deeper and freer … but … within a certain familiar swimming pool. As I said - the big shake up for me - happened in the Australian bushland. There was an accidental experience outside of my comfortable swimming pool. Speaking of something truly unknown for me … yet feeling so deeply like home …

And after those experiences the true Quest begins, as they say. Maybe a bit like when F. M. Alexander realized that he was the one creating his problems with his voice (probably a shocking insight) and then started looking into the mirrors and … stayed there for 10 years ... at first not knowing what to actually look for ... he just knew … something what he was doing to himself, caused damage … but what was it?

… and in my life there came this point, this feeling of ... „something isn‘t quite right anymore“ - strongly brought on by this almost electric stream of peacefulness from under my feet in the Blue Mountains / Australia … yes this … pushed me on my way. And the orchestration of life brought everything I needed to follow this thread. In unpleasant and in incredible ways. Asking me to leap. To leave home - in order to find out … and the journey happened to be much longer than expected.

But hey! isn‘t that feeling of “not quite right” also (unfortunately) normal in the world we live in? And how often do we not start changing something about it? How used are we actually to everything that is “wrong"? And with “wrong” I mean = doing things and supporting things that are doing harm to ourselves, to other humans, to the planet itself and our non human brothers and sisters of our Earth family.

::: In what way are we numb to our impact?

There is also a bodily equivalent to this numbing down. To this adaptation to what we actually know is wrong, is doing harm … From all those years of working with the Alexander Technique I know how easily our bodies don’t notice anymore, when we misuse them. And how normal that then feels. Our almost permanently contracted ribcages and tightened torsos.

This capability to adapt - and to not feel the strain and the pain anymore - has obviously two sides to it. It lets us keeping on going, when we really need to. But: do we always need to keeping on going? Not feeling the collective pain and the silent cry of the fish that’s suffering from what we do to our waters (etc). And when we - with more sensitivity - we would actually support the wholeness of the world and this sensitivity and maybe refusal to adapt, would let us actually pause and reconsider our next action.

And so one question could be: What do I actually do want to adapted to and become used to? Or … what am I already adapted to, that I don’t want to be adapted to? It can become in some way normal to not feel and sense the wrongness of our actions or non-actions anymore. Towards ourselves and any kind of Other. Do I want that? Do we, as a species want to be numb, paralysed, desensitized?

And … well … if you are connected with spiritual concepts - there is this area, where you could say “you need to work with your reactions to this and that” … and “it’s all about how you react to things” - and of course this is such an important part of taking ownership of one’s life. But this concept can also be mis-used as a way of spiritual bypassing when there is actually something going on and going wrong, where we need to say “stop” or “no” - but we don’t … because “it’s only our reaction, which causes the pain in us”. Well … there are distinctions to be made, I think. Discernment …

Then ... another story from my life (we’re getting closer to the digital theme now): is my relationship to Facebook. At some point something alarming happened within my body and mind, when a new dear friend of mine wasn’t on Social Media! ... „how does she survive without it?“ „is she fully human then?“ oooouuuhhh truly alarming! I literally had a fear response imagining FB would not be in my life anymore at that time. But I was not yet able to let go of this for me addictive and also in some ways beautiful thing … (now I’ve been off being active on FB for more than a year, looking into it every 3 months maybe, so I still have an account. And with not looking into that, I’m still feeling like fully human (maybe even more …) and as full member of the Earth community (maybe even more …), even without checking FB every day. And, you know, the alarming thing for me was more my sense of having merged with this digital platform thing and thinking I can’t live without it and am not fully human then. Almost embarassing to say that.

One year later (now, at the beginning of 2021) I went off Whatsapp and again I was confronted with themes of belonging. Do I still belong to my family, when I‘m not on this platform anymore? When I leave this and that group chat?

And … yes … I do still belong. … where the true belonging takes place. Also I found quite alarming the bodily sense of being unhealthily glued to an App and my phone which in my experience can almost replace and can let me forget about the real life contact and connection. And at the same time, I’m so super grateful for the technology that allows me to talk to dearest friends on the other side of the globe. And be in touch with them. As always … it’s so much about how we use those things!

I‘ve already had a long journey with „who am I without this and that“ (physically, like home, things, work, … but also my identifications with identities, job, place, etc.) ... and then more and more levels of noticing the unhealthy attachments to what is considered as „normal“ in our western culture, but which is obviously not in support of the well-being of Earth and all her beings - including humans.

But also I was more and more in touch then with what I experience as interconnectedness with all things and beings. I was more and more in touch with what I experienced as healthy structures of support and connection and with seeming miracles that happened out of the blue, when least expected and most needed. Especially after being back in my home country and without any of my old structures, except for my connections. This experience of already being plugged in - to our big web of life happened once more in this place of detachment from my former identities. This experience is so much bigger than any description or definition that I could possibly have of myself - as in: being a fixed identity.

How do you experience your place in the world? Is it a fixed thing? Is it a fluid experience?

Maybe it’s time for a moment of pausing … and listening to you heart … how is your heart?
How are you feeling within your body?

When you’re ready … let’s get back to talking about our phones … and our relationships with them. If you’re not in some way addicted to checking your phone too much, you can probably just stopp reading here and enjoy your freedom : )

I did have a very unhealthy attachment to my phone. In some ways I still do, but much much less so. So for a long while, my phone (!) was the last thing I said good night to and the first thing I would say good morning to.

Can you relate? And do you find that “normal”? Well …

Just slowing down for a moment ... what does THAT actually mean, if we do that and if we think it’s “normal”? And since I’ve been familiar with other addictive behaviours in my life and accompanying others through addictive tendencies … I knew I also had to inquire into what was I not wanting to experience and what was I actually longing for?

What was I looking for? What was I distracting myself from? What was so much more important while reaching to my phone, than experiencing the miracle of waking up or falling asleep … and feeling myself, my body … alive … and as life?

I personally knew for a long while that my longing was actually for something different than looking into a tiny shiny screen, being disembodied and sucked into a world outside of my home and away from Earth. I know there is a longing for the fluidity of life, for myself, the natural world, the multidimensional moment, the sounds and textures and scents of the natural world … and experiencing all this through and with my body (instead of being sucked into the digital realms and out of my body).

And at the same time: I was not being able to stop that habit or that addiction. I found it very hard … as with all things, that I’ve been addicted to.

But then … suddenly I was able to stop. And I received a very great gift. Immediately … “ah - this is how I feel, how this moment feels”. In the evening. In the morning. My body, this moment. I am - and this is - a much more exciting experience than my phone! And my longing to wake up closer to nature, was a bit more fulfilled, as I connected with myself as a part of nature.

And yes, I‘ve had other phases of being without phone and screen, so I know how that is and can be! In the bush or during my 40 days and at mother times. So I had already tasted the beauty and freedom and joy of being myself, and being plugged into nature … without this pull towards phone and this feeling of my skin being somehow perforated through the strange form of availability that comes with a phone and wifi and notifications.

Does that resonate with you? Do you have experiences like that? Do you feel free with and from the phone checking addiction?

I guess these are many threads I just started weaving but my main point here might be - a very known one. Articulated by Einstein like this: “You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.”

So … how to find ourselves in a different place to the known one?

I think it’s time for a break now … you can continue reading and listening to the second half of this exploration: here …

With so much Love
Susanne

I’m looking at the birch tree ... pondering about the web of life ...

Dear you.

I‘m thinking of the web a lot these day ... the web of life ...

Which veins do I want to feed, which ones am I giving my juices to already ... consciously, unconsciously ... with whom and what am I feeling connected?

I‘m preparing for my group „Coming home to the Fire“ - this month’s theme is „Belonging“.

I‘m having a hard time today and these days ... to connect with the knowing and the sense of my belonging. I’m noticing it’s a particular plane, where I’m feeling the disconnect. With my heart and inner sense, I‘m revisiting my first vision quest circle and the journal I kept, the days and weeks after. I’m remembering now - that I remembered then. Some things that I’m reading stand out for me - I‘m noticing the’ve become part of my life, I live them now and ... part of me seems to have had forgotten about them.

I‘m thinking about the inner wilderness. Wildness. What is it?

I‘m thinking of my brothers and sisters (human) where I have a sense of embodied wildness. Naturalness. That, what I feel that is ...

I know there is work to do.

I‘m feeling tired. I‘m grieving something ...

The walls are too thick between me and nature ... the world ... the wild world ... the wild world. What is it? The non-linear, the cyclical, the unpredictable, and also the inevitability of ... awareness ... of warmth bringing Fire, birthing and dying ... growing and decaying ... all that ... that which we all share, if we like it or not, wether we know it or not ...

The walls also give me protection from the noise ... I’m hiding within my walls not only from the elements, the cold ... but I‘m hiding from the noise of machines, cars, wind turbines. I‘m feeling trapped. Inside the protection of a house. I long for thinner walls, less layers between me and all the natural Others. I know that I would struggle and probably die, if I was suddenly thrown out of any housing during winter.

I remember being outside of walls so much in Australia and Bali. I know, it was warm there. Mostly. Sometimes actually it was cold. I remember being inside some not so thick walls in the little house in the german forest last winter - living with the Fire, the candles, the water from the creek. The storms that sounded dangerous (and even were dangerous - as trees were falling close to the little cabin).

The world is rearranging on a big scale. It all looks like a big mess. There is some hidden chance in there ... maybe even not so hidden for some! … there is a chance to return to a different source. To return to love and a world based on nature’s priciples and on equality and on doing no harm. A world that‘s not based on exploitation.

So where do I want to be plugged into? Where am I plugged in?

My whole body is saying joyfully that I want to be plugged into the ways of nature ... the nonlinear ways of the roots, the branches, the circling birds, the majesty of the oceans ... the pulsing of my heart and all hearts … I want to stay in my belonging to the Earth and nature‘s ways. If I had to choose between technology and a radical re-learning how to live as a full member of all of Earth Community, my choice was clear. I know for me it‘s a long way to return and to learn how to take care of myself and my loved ones - truly based on „doing no harm“ ...

I know it means sacrifices from the conveniences of this western society that I‘m a child of. I know I am failing and that I will fail along the way, till my choices and my way of living here is not only „life-sustaining but also life-enhancing“ (as Bill Plotkin puts it).

And ... here we are.

What choices do we make, do I make?

How do we support each other in this?

Where do we want to be connected to?

What’s our deepest heart knowing is possible on this planet?

What do I want to support and what do I not want to support (anymore) - which I know brings harm to beings of Earth? It’s all nothing new, but that doesn’t make it less important.

I’m feeling like rolling up the sleeves. Silently.

What do you feel reading this?

What kind of resonance or dissonance do you notice within you?

Would you like to share?

Send me an Email: kontakt@susannefeld.de

Much Love
Susanne

And maybe … join some exploration about your place of Belonging.