Descending --- dipping in and out.

So ...

There I was.

Having said good bye to a good friend and then meeting my mentor (http://soulscapes.com.au) on this soul's journey for the first time in person. Sitting with her in the dunes. She had accompanied me already in the past year for two months during this time of transition and this year I‘ll continue seeing her. She is also co-facilitator of the vision quest (the 4 days and 4 nights wilderness fasting) that I will do at the end of March.

There I was. Sitting again with her and with the calling of my soul and the deep dark caves within. Sitting with her always opens the space to really listen to the deeper layers of myself. During this process there was a moment where I felt the longing for the tribe who would understand the kind of journey that I'm at and to have them witness from afar. I literally saw them. And then - from seeing them around me, they moved in. I found them inside of myself. Realizing: THIS I'm facilitating for myself and I have my inner tribe. THIS journey I can only do by myself. And ... there are allies. Yes there are. And they show up in the right moment - and they disappear in the right moment. Allies in form of human beings. And allies from the other than human world ... ancestors, animals, trees, the ocean.

I never felt very drawn towards these (what I thought were) more shamanic symbols like the spirit animals. And now ... reconnecting with my inner wild nature while being out in the wild, this all comes naturally. Being out in the wild, the inner wild nature starts to communicate with the outsideworld. I even collect stones and shells and feathers and go in relationship with them : )

Yes, this is what I do ... and so much more and so much less. Becoming more intimate with myself. Seeing from where I talk and from where I share from, from where I act. And ... for whom and what. Noticing these different qualities. And ... becoming more sensitive to what "the soft animal of my body" (like Mary Oliver says) wants. Where she leads me. Where she feels safe and in the right place and where she doesn’t. And to truly listen to my soul. I'll just call it soul for now.

I'm about to have a place where I can stay quite exposed to nature … in a womb like valley of the Byron Hinterlands. It's a place where a friend of mine did her descent into soul for about one year now and she’s away for a bit. She is about to participate in the big world again ... and it's such a gift to have found her as someone on a similar journey - in her own way - and this place, which will support me to go within. On this - which can only be a solo journey. I also have to say I'm realising that I truly don't know how long this thing will go. Some people are going for years within and some only for months. In any way, I'll let life have its way with me. What else can I do? (It IS scary from time to time and also exhausting - by the way ... and it is the only option - did I mention that before? : ) And the thing is: how am I with my fears, the loneliness and the longings of my soul?

And there is no choice to be made to move on an to move in - and to come home to myelf - even though sometimes I feel "I need a break, this is exhausting" - and I have this image of hanging myself on the clothesline in the sun to dry a bit, before diving into these unpredictable waters again (and I do - I get in touch with people, I take a breath, distract myself from myself ... and then she pulls me back in ... back home). It feels like a deconstruction of Susanne.

And it is not a place (where I used to come from) - where this is a process of fixing myself or to become better at something. Yes, maybe better at being myself. I don’t know. And what ever this would mean anyways. It's not even important. Even though I'm using words here now - the language that I start listening to is more in felt perception and imagery.

I start feeling like ... slowly slowly I'm being on my own life's journey. Like a toddler - on and in my own two feet. With my own heart. Listening.

For whom or what do I live?

A question that - as you too will know deep within - can't be answered from the mind. Yes, we can see the patterns, where we live for our parents still or for an image of God or for the society, we were conditioned by. We can uncover all of these layers. And that can help - it certainly helped me.

And then ... there is the lingering with this question. To let the question do her work. To feel the question, to go in relationship with her and to forget her again.

For whom do I live?

Who am I beyond this "doing my life"?

What am I coming home to, if it's not what I thought it was?

What's the true home whithin?

***

I never expected my life to create this inevitable pull into a world that seems right now like a deeper intimacy with my being. My inmost being. My inner caves (they always look like caves, maybe this place within yourself looks different in your imagery). I start noticing differences between mind, heart and soul and how they interact. I'm feeling like a beginner and I know on some levels I am. And on another level it's a big home coming and celebration of - "finally! She is on her way back!". And feeling: I've done that before. As so many many other human beings did and are doing it.

And here, at the beginning of this descent, I’m tasting the taste of loneliness and seeing and doing the distractions from truly being with myself and with ALL that is here - from darkness to light. From fear to the unconditional meeting of all of it ... and these moments of being plugged in. Being part of this big beautiful world. Equal with all of existence. A new form of ‚beautiful‘.

This is where I am now.

I'm hestiant with sharing at the moment (just looking at why I would … and if it’s from a place of a sense of obligation to share about my journey or out of wanting to be validated etc etc.). Just now it feels right and natural, so I’ll share. This blog feels a bit more calm and slow - like my own space - compared with the speed of social media. You are here because you chose to be here. Beautiful to be in touch with you here. In honor for all of our life’s journeys, yours and mine and of all other living beings.

With Love.

Susanne

The conversation has begun …

I tiny hello from my dip onto the surface and into the online world.

I discovered a deep love for the rocks here on this continent. They resonate with a part within me that is connected with an ancient deep peace and quietness. And patience. You can see more pictures and personal stories from these past weeks and months on Instagram. Right now I’m taking a break from social media and connections, descending more and more into my own underworld and the landscape of my soul. And … since I’m learning that this kind of descent is a process … you might see me dipping in and out.

I’ve tasted something so ancient yet new.
I’m retreating from my beautifully constructed life.
Old ways of relating to “the other” and myself … changing.
Being no one for a while.
Shedding skin.
Dying is happening.
Laying my old suits to rest.
Sleeping under the stars.
Listening to my inner language and the language of dreams.
Crying.
Laughing.
Shedding more skin.
Dipping in and out.
Connecting with the layers underneath the known.
More and more: sinking in.
Who am I … without this and this and this and that way of being, of relating internally and externally? Without my profession?
What if I shared my life intimately with myself?
Who am I … ?
… when there’s nothing (that I once thought real) is there to come home to?

Naked.
Raw.
In the big mother’s embrace (sometimes feeling very welcome on the land, sometimes not).
Listening.
Pulling myself up and out of the caves … exhausted. Reconnecting again.
Feeling the exhaustion of being more on the surface levels again.
My soul’s caves calling and calling and calling.
Listening.
Leaning with my forehead against the rocks of my inner caves.
Listening.
She is very loud and very silent.
Deep in my belly.
Dying.
Shedding skin.
Tears of grief, letting go and joy.

Retreating from the beautiful construction of MY world.
What is the real world then?

Now I understand why they say, one needs to have strength to embark on such a journey.
Now I understand when people said: you are brave.
There is no other way … and I feel the bravery of my heart.

Who am I beyond all these words?

I know who I am.
And still … layers and layers of clothes that are not my clothes anymore are here …
Sleeping under the stars with no shelter helps shedding skin.

Wow … ok I didn’t expect that so many words would come out now.
With deep love to you, from just where I am now.

(For a map, what kind of terrain I’m navigating through, have a look at the book Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin)

Rocks and Sea

Dear YOU.

I found myself for a couple of days in Melbourne.
After having been in nature it was very interesting to observe my reactions to being in a city.
I felt more drawn towards social media and eating more chocolate : ) and coming a tiny bit more out of my cocoon, looking into my laptop a bit more. I also really missed being in nature and so looked for it and found this beach, which I could access with train and bus and spend a couple of hours there, till the rain came.

Going in and out of more or less wild nature, more or less “civilized” areas … it is so interesting to see what it does to my inner (wild) nature (soul * body * subconscious). I’m very glad and grateful to be having a sense of time and space around everything on this journey so that I can start noticing the more subtle responses or interactions of my body and soul and mind to these different expressions of my environment, including people, friends, family, phone, internet, playing music … everything.

Nature is my favorite place to be at the moment.
I’ll share more pictures in the next week, before I go and retreat for a while.

I’m sending lots of peaceful love to you.

What is happening within you, as you are looking at these pictures?
What is present for you and within you?

Susanne